Saturday, June 05, 2004
I was so wrong.
I'm kind of in awe of how your brain makes you cope with this sort of thing. I'd easily say that I'm 70% numb most of the time. This isn't how I'd have ever thought I'd deal with this. Granted, had I not T, big E and little E, I likely would have opened up my wrists and joined L. There is this horrible sense of unease all of the time, that something terrible happened to someone I know and that I just don't want to think about it for a little while. Then the glass crashes and it becomes crystal clear that it happened to US and everything is just exploding with pain and loss. I cry a lot. Quietly, but I'm pretty honest w/my big girls about it. I miss her. I'm SO SO SO mad that T and big E cry in their sleep. Remember my post about stupid people? There is absolutely no comfort in the statement that "This was God's plan". Maybe there will be one day. Right now there just isn't. And it makes no sense to a kid either. T has heard that from so many people and these are the same people who are trying to paint God with sunshine and roses to her.
I took the girls out shopping today and to McDonalds. I'm making sure that we still do *our* things, playing w/friends, slumber parties, swimming. I might still coach my pee-wee cheerleading team this year, but I'm not sure yet. While everything still sucks, I think it's important that my big girls know that it's okay to be sad, but it's still okay to laugh and have fun, be a kid and forget about it for a while. The innocent trust and security that being home is being safe is gone. Big E had a headache earlier from too much sunshine. She cried thinking she was going to die like Lily when I tried to give her Motrin for her headache.
I'm even mad at Lily for dying. How twisted is that? I'm sure there wasn't a multiple choice situation presented to her and she picked this, but she was so celebrated and wanted and loved. The hole she left behind is way bigger than the little 7lb baby she was when she left. link | posted by Ani at 11:53 AM
