I spent today at my mom's house, housekeeping. She had a really bad day today- she really needs to be admitted to the hospital but she won't go. She couldn't breathe, was gasping for air and shaking like a leaf. She was pale as a sheet, drawn-looking and her lips and fingernails were blue. She's down to 86lbs. I don't know what to do for her. Her doctor finally wrote the order for home oxygen and a motorized wheelchair. We're going up against my mom's insurance for it, as they don't think she's sick enough. She doesn't seem to want me involved in her care, she always has my sister go with her or calling in for her. I called in today and bullied a nurse and finally got to talk to the doctor. Might have bullied a bit there too, but by 5:30pm tonight we had home oxygen and a standing admittance to the hospital. I don't know what to do for her. She's dying of emphysema. My baby died a year ago and I'm watching my mom die of emphysema now- she's only 45 years old. My kids had all kinds of questions about the oxygen machine that was brought in today...Ella surprised me and correlated that Amma was having trouble breathing and that not breathing is what killed Lily. Am I supposed to lie? Am I supposed to lie to T and tell her that she's not going to die? She asked directly. I've always maintained that if they're smart enough to ask the right question, they deserve honest answers. I fielded that fear as benignly as I could- I reminded her that we all die, sometimes because we're sick, sometimes because of accidents, and sometimes just because, like our Lily did.

Am I doing them a favor being so honest about it? I don't know. I hope I am. I hope that I'm doing the right thing. I feel really helpless, because there doesn't seem to be any right answer. She's not mature enough to cope with it.

I don't really know what's going to happen either. You know how when you're a kid you hang out with your grandparents and parents around the kitchen table, and they tell goofy stories about when your parents were kids and you all laugh until you feel sick? My grandparents are gone. My uncle died years ago. My mom is dying. There isn't really going to anyone left to do that with my kids. My grandmother died of breast cancer when I was 14- and it hurt. Those times are my favorite memories. I loved hearing those stories. I was my amma's favorite granddaughter, we'd stay up after everyone was asleep and she would make us Icelandic hot chocolate (or sneak me a tiny bourbon and coke-shhh) and just talk and watch old movies.

My mom's on a transplant list. Maybe it will happen in time. But I'm scared it won't.

link | posted by Ani at 8:29 PM

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