I outed myself on the Twinstuff.com message board I used to post on. I posted on the Parental Grief forum. I posted quickly and hit send before I chickened out again. I don't know if it's better or worse to have lost one of a set of twins versus just one baby. I'm saved from the misery of not having a baby to cuddle, not having diapers to change, bellies to blow raspberries on, I still get my little toothless smiles that just make my day. But there's bitterness in it. I'm supposed to have TWO. Not to take anything away from E, but whenever people come up and say "Oh! How cute!" about her, I want to scream at them that there's supposed to be TWO! But now there isn't. So I don't overreact and thank them with a smile and just want to shoot myself.

T has come out with some weird things that are sweet in sentiment but kind of unnerving to hear your 4 year old say. She says she can't wait to die. So she can see Lily again. I tell her that I want her to stay alive for a long long time, so she'll have lots and lots of stories to tell Lily when she gets to heaven, but no, that's not what T wants. She wants to die right now so she can see her. She says she hopes we all die next week so we can see Lily.

I miss her so much. I kinda wish we all die next week too.

link | posted by Ani at 10:37 AM

2 Comments:

 Lunasea commented:

((((Ani)))) - I wish so much that L. would come back and say, "Hey, all, took a little trip but I'm back now." You're a fantastic mother to T, E and E.

» 10:06 PM 

 HeyItsBeej commented:

{{{{{{{{{{{Ani}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Just want you to remember that you are loved. All of you are.

» 10:52 AM 

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