I've become the most vacant idiot. I'm so concentrated on just hanging in there, that I can't focus through a conversation, or do anything for fifteen consecutive minutes, because Lily creeps into my thoughts.

This season is so freaking hard. Lily dying just cracked me in half. I can keep it together for the kids and for everyone else, including my stupid husband. Made the mistake last year of trusting him with a self pitying episode of crying on the floor. Then B rolled over and went to sleep. I got over it, got up, threw a load of laundry in and played Literati with Beej for a few hours and told her all about my crybaby episode. The next morning B calls me and tells me to pack enough stuff for three days...wtf? He told a psychiatric nurse on a helpline that he thought I was suicidal and possibly homicial and they wanted to admit me.

This was last year. I'm still mad about it. I trusted him with it all. Not many people I trust enough to bare it all to, he was one and he screwed me. I understand he was scared, he'd never seen me be that intense, but damn. That was an in the moment type of decision, not something you go to sleep over, and start calling psychiatric helplines about at 10am. I mock the idea tha the was "oh so concerned" because he rolled over and went to sleep. I wouldn't sleep by someone I was concerned was homicidal. I'm big into self-preservation. When he woke up to find me sleeping and not dead in a puddle of blood on the kitchen floor, it's likely I was just blowing off a whole lot of steam. The kids and I were making Christmas cookies then. Committing your wife over Christmas isn't something she'll ever forget or forgive you for. I was miserable enough going through it without Lily, but I was excited about it for my other girls and his plan was to isolate me completely. Fucker.

This year is worse. I don't know how it's possible. I think maybe I was more prepared last year, girded for battle, so to speak. This year I just knew it would be better. It's not.

I've been trying the Flylady approach in getting myself back on track...I set my timer for tasks. I set the timer for 15 minutes so I'd focus on getting the kitchen taken care of. I found myself wandering out of the kitchen and the timer caught my eye. It had 12 minutes left. I had forgotten completely what I was doing.

I love this season. I just hate feeling so disjointed and weird. I hope next year I can participate more, with more enthusiasm. The girls have no idea I'm feeling so down. I've been making sure that they're at a fever pitch of excitement, lol. That's the best part, I love that they still believe in Santa, that there's so much wonder.

link | posted by Ani at 4:17 PM

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