Saturday, January 07, 2006
Whew.
It's all over. The holidays anyway. This year was so very much worse than the last. It hurt. I love the holidays, I wish I could enjoy them like I used to. It's hard though.So I left my job. I'm telling them officially Monday, but I already started the other. I'm going to be a night nurse at a home for the mentally disabled. It's a long drive. But I think me working overnights will be better for my family. These girls aren't transitioning well to me being gone at all. To be honest, neither was I. The job itself intimidates me. I keep thinking that somehow I'm meant to find some meaning in it. Weird, right? But it's a job I didn't particularly want, in a field I left behind, and yet, here I am. The staff is absolutely great.
I met someone there who is pretty cool. He's a motivational speaker as well as his job at this facility. He's got a cute little tagline, and we get on like a house on fire. He's very encouraging. Something he said has stuck with me, and now I'm thinking more and more about my direction in life. I'm still very protective about my history, I haven't shared with anyone about Lily. It's too hard to talk about, these people are strangers, etc. But I say I have four girls. I don't know why, but I can't deny her and I go between talking about them and then only directly talk about my three monsters. I'm sure I'll be asked soon.
Anyway, I've given myself time to absorb, time to heal, and I'm not rushing that. I need time and space and time to heal. But I'm considering a direction. I can't face just not ever doing anything about Lily's death. I don't know how anyone can? How can anyone in this world sleep at night, knowing hundreds of babies will die tonight because of absolutely nothing definable? Statistically it's rare, but statistics are cold comfort when you're on the hard end of it.
SIDS is a whisper in this country. People don't want to talk about it much to and around new parents. SIDS is misdiagnosed on death certificates, muddying the waters for research. For instance, the meth freak who climbed in on top of her baby in the portacrib while flying on her high. She woke up to a dead baby. They diagnosed a smothered child with SIDS rather than make her feel any "worse". What the fuck? She goes on sponsored retreates now and people KNOW about her. These are the stories that stick in peoples minds when SIDS is referenced. Do you know what that does to every one of us parents who would sell our souls to spare our babies? There's a cast of suspicion. We feel so fucking guilty anyway, I know people who bleed a little every day because their baby died safe and snug in a crib, with them 30ft down the hall. They wish they were closer. Lily died a foot and a half away from me. HOW? How could I not know my baby was dying when she was so close? And they make it so easy for people to call a death SIDS.
At some point I don't think I'll accept that SIDS is something that's a horrible shame, something whispered about. link | posted by Ani at 6:36 PM
