Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Sugar we're going down swinging
I hate that song. That band grates. YET, there's a line in there that I like. "to be the friction in your jeans."LOL Such a highschool lusty sentiment. I was a lusty highschooler once, running around with men much too old for me and I still don't regret it. Though, catch my girls with any as old as a few I ran around with and they will find themselves in an igloo somewhere. So I have higher/better standards for them. Boo freaking hoo. I wonder if they'll be as verbally combative as I was. I suspect I see that in T. Should be interesting teen years around here.
But in other news, I've been feeling out of sorts lately. It's tied to some new drama in my life, and better to just purge it and move on. I found out not too long ago I was pregnant again. When I told B I just sort of fell apart and cried like a baby on him. Which truth be told, is only mildly exaggerating his usual response to another pregnancy around here. He was shocked at my reaction. It terrified me. Me? Responsible for a newborn again? I've only got a 75% success rate. I wanted it to be kept quiet, had an uneasy feeling about it. B was optimistic, said it was a good thing, a nice bit of closure for us and for the girls, to go out of our childbearing phase on a positive note. Which was just fate bait.
Fate took it and I miscarried. I was about 11 weeks, a LOT further than I thought. I have just been numb ever since. It's not grief. Grief is for Lily. I feel a bit weird, kind of like I'm walking around with a black cloud. I can shake it for a while, but then it's back again. I feel violated, I guess. I know a lot of people regard a miscarriage as a serious loss, but I just can't feel that way. It's a drop in the bucket compared to losing Lily. I'm a believer in my body's ability to take care of itself, and for whatever reason, this wasn't viable and I'm ok with that. But I just feel like I've been kicked too many times.
It's defeat. The camel's back broke. link | posted by Ani at 9:14 PM
